Waking the Sandman 19

Years and years ago,
twenty years ago,
she told us all
about a dream
where she talked
with a cousin of ours
who had just died

I never knew
what to make
of that

Well,
two years ago,
I had a similar dream

So now
I kind of do

What it means to me
is that dreams
no matter how
confounding
can also be
comforting

Waking the Sandman 18

I will never forgive myself,
I can never forgive myself,
for not being there
when she died.

I have no good excuse.
How could there be?

So I can only guess
what it was like
when she died.

I know what was happening
in the hours preceding
when she died,
and I remember clearly
being told that this would
precede death,
and yet
I allowed myself
to be convinced
to leave.

And I did.
I left.

I left.

I left.

And a few hours later...

I'm told that there's
a kind of peace
that precedes death,
a kind of grace,
almost a dream,
a softening of the fatal blow.

Can I assume this happened
when she died?

I can't. 
I just can't.

You're supposed to be there.
I should have been there...

And so I can never forgive myself.

More than anything else,
this haunts my days,
a periodic waking nightmare
that troubles me
to my core.

I believe
I deserve it.

I betrayed her.
In the end
I betrayed her.

Waking the Sandman 17

Were not
her waking moments
dreamlike
in those final months?

Or, nightmares?

Waking the Sandman 16

What mortal fear
plagues the dreams
of the dying?

Incomprehensible

Waking the Sandman 15

I beg,
beg
the Sandman
to wake me
from a new
Easter nightmare,
since it was then
that she died, too

Waking the Sandman 14

(when you were young
did you dream
that life would prove
so difficult?
sometimes
I think we're haunted
by visions of the future
more than our worries,
little unconscious
time bombs
just waiting to go off,
exploding like clockwork
throughout the day)

Waking the Sandman 13

Growing up...
sleeping in-between her sisters
gave her nightmares
scary movies
gave her nightmares
punishment
gave her nightmares
...an uncle
gave her nightmares
the loss of the roller rink
gave her nightmares
the loss of her mother
gave her nightmares

But she never gave up
on the dream